[eff around] a sales letter that's too direct

A lot of my readers are salespeople (or entrepreneurs who need to sell), and I love it.

Saw this pitch in my LinkedIn inbox, and wanted to critique it, in case it helps you in your messages.

There’s so much to hate about this message.

When the person first connected with me, they delivered a standard message with no value whatsoever. I had no curiosity to check this person’s profile out further.

I have this funny thing about first lines: If you start your dialogue with an announcement about what you’re going to do, I won’t believe you.

Like, when someone starts a conversation with: “I don’t meant to be an asshole, but…” it means you’re about to be an asshole lol!

The moment this person told me they’d be direct and not waste my time, I knew I was screwed.

There’s nothing wrong with being direct; I prefer this over the long-winded, multi-paragraphed and overwhelming copy.

But if you’re going to be short, you need to pique curiosity.

I hate is the reference to “Food & Beverage”. Nobody in my industry speaks that way, AND it was capitalized - like it was copied and pasted for maximum reach.

There was no reference to my company nor domain knowledge, whatsoever.

I was definitely spammed.

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What’s the recommendation?

If they created an open loop with something I’m currently looking for, or would’ve thrown me off-guard and make me want to learn more…I would’ve engaged.

Something like:

Hi Paul,

Fast food owners are using paper cutters to increase profitability without doing anything extra.

Just reply and I’ll send you the report. No strings attached.

Because the “paper cutters” reference was unexpected, it interrupted my pattern, and now I’m wondering WTF he’s talking about.

“Without doing anything extra” insinuates that there isn’t a lot of extra work or cost I need to exert in order to benefit greatly.

“Just reply and I’ll send you the report. No strings attached” lessens the risk and increases the value.

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What do you think of this issue? Interested in seeing more critiques? Do you have a sales letter I can read and give feedback on?