[eff around] killing nervousness in conversation
I got another question from you, my readers, after publishing this article:
![[eff around] Q&A when we have to talk to humans](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1300,h_650,c_fill,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep,g_auto/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ff278e63e-4f4e-4e55-beb0-24d04b3a9729_1616x1400.jpeg)
Thanks for engaging (and keep ‘em comin’!). Being of service is a crazy dopamine rush.
Below is the question from Dr. Albert Young, physical therapist and whom I get massive motivation to exercise both my body and my brain (he’s got a YouTube channel to subscribe to, here).
We can go many different ways with this question; and there is probably research on what works and what doesn’t.
But let me stay focused and actionable on what works for me.
accept that you may never overcome initial nervousness.
The operative word here is “initial”.
I always get some level of panic attack before I talk to anyone, or when I get introduced.
I worry about how I look and sound. The potential awkwardness. Whether I’m going to forget their name.
But I’m reminded that:
“Those who worry suffer twice” (I learned that from Newt Scamander, from JK Rowling’s Fantastic Beasts lol!);
The other person is most likely nervous, as well; and
I might never meet this person again, if I don’t choose to.
The risks and consequences are minimized.
Take comfort that we all freak out. And if some people don’t, they’re either narcissists or anomalies.
call it out, and it loses power.
There have been moments when I’m at a networking event, and I have no idea what to say.
In that moment, I usually say: “You know what? I don’t know anybody here, and I’m nervous. Are you?”
99.99% of the time, they respond with:
“Me too, OMG!” and the awkwardness dissipates, and I can get into a conversation.
“I know how you feel. I used to be that way, too…” as they proceed to tell a story, or ask me questions that get me off of my fears.
Instead of letting the other person (or my horrible self-talk) say: “You’re nervous, aren’t you?” I don’t give them that power. I do it myself, and the fear was either unfounded, not so bad, or it was a bit weird but I’m no longer paralyzed.
don’t put yourself in those situations.
“no” means “no”.
Nowadays, I'm busy with family, my parents, embracing my introvertedness, and my companies. So it’s easier to decline events.
I make peace with saying “no” and not showing up.
I’m sorry to all of my friends who ask me to dinner, coffee, and golf. Please know that I have limited amounts of energy as an introvert, and I must pick and choose my battles.
doing a little bit of legwork.
If I have to go to an event, I either:
Go with a friend, so that the dynamic conversation is a little easier. But make sure you go with the intention of meeting new people or the people you set out to meet, though!
Ask the event coordinator if I can help during the event - either set-up, serving food, checking folks in, etc.
Go early, before people get clicky and too comfortable in their already-formed groups.
Research ahead of time who’s coming, so that I can connect with them early, and ask to meet up.
If I can’t do any of these things, I just don’t go, or don’t stay long.
become the speaker.
This is a weird one, so hear me out.
I usually ask if I could speak at events.
Why? Because:
I’m in content-creation mode right now, and want every opportunity to record stuff and share value, at scale. And
It automatically creates conversations.
An example would be the last two speaking/networking events I did for Kei Concepts Media.
Viet, the owner and co-founder of some of the best fine dining restaurants in SoCal (and on Earth!), has been hosting events to give back to the community in a TED Talk-like format.
I wanted to attend…but I didn’t want to socialize naked lol…so I asked if I could moderate a speaking event.
Viet agreed, and I ended up doing this event.
Even though I wasn’t a speaker, a line of people approached me and asked me about things I said while moderating - about entrepreneurship, franchising, and restaurants.
I didn’t have to look for people, and I didn’t have to come up with topics. It was beautiful lol!
I wanted to moderate the next event, but Viet said I should be a speaker; and the same thing happened.
Again, socializing was built-in!
This is what I texted a friend who is also a reader of the newsletter, and shared their fears with socializing.
I hope this encourages you, gives you some tools, and another way to approach socializing.
We are all meant to connect; but there isn’t a one-size-fits-all strategy.
You need to know yourself;
You need to observe what comes naturally to you;
Don’t beat yourself up so hard;
Know that most fears never actually happen
Be okay with saying no; and
Remember that you have something to offer.
What are your best networking/socializing tips? I’d love to compile them and share them, if there are a lot! We are better together (but separately, in private, in our own spots lol!)
Amazing article Paul!!! So spot on. These are great tips for any leader to get out there and take some risk when networking. And let’s be honest…to put some skin in the game when building relationships! Some people are naturally extroverted and this comes easy for them. Some people (like me) are introverted so this takes a bit more work. But I have been able to find what works for me to raise my engagement in situations where there is more interaction happening. As you said, it is not a one size fits all approach. I like to think of it as a one size fits one! Cheers!
Hey that's me! Thanks for the shout-out. 😀
This whole article is actually a huge big brain strategy to socializing in real life hahaha.
I think a lot of times I force myself to socialize, just to work on my conversation skills, and sometimes it doesn't work out or I feel the conversation runs dry. I think recognizing that some people just aren't interested in a conversation is a big one, and it's not necessarily your fault if a conversation just isn't flowing. Just making peace with the fact that there will be dead conversations and that's okay is a good mindset to have if you're trying to work on socializing.